Nomenclature

Graybill... WHO names their child Graybill?!?!

It has come to my attention, far removed from my own child's name choice, that there are people out there who do not give one iota of thought to the naming of their offspring. I used to joke in my pre-parent days about parents "not loving their children" when they gave them an off-the-wall moniker such as Crystal Blue Sky or Jedi Mumps or Clay Moore (I didn't make any of those up, btw. I knew or knew-of the living human beings walking around with those ridiculous names). After I had E, however, I realized that it wasn't a joke. Giving someone their name is serious business, and in the case of celebrities serious business. So how is it that so many people take it so lightly? Don't they realize the importance a name makes? Not just on the schoolyard, but in the job market, dating scene, even to their potential higher education??

I. Rest. My. Case

Fortunately for my DD, I got some practice on this responsibility in college as a big sister in my sorority. One of our jobs/rights was to choose the nickname we gave our little sisters. How did that turn out? Let's just say my little sister gave herself her own nickname. Nothing spells FAIL quite like someone telling you, in no uncertain terms, that you have no ability whatsoever to be clever.

...you are not.

I have since learned from that mistake and took close to 7 months to figure out my progeny's nom de guerre. I enlisted help, of course. I consulted books, websites, family members and friends; which in retrospect should have been avoided due to the total awkwardness of having them suggest their own names and me to force a grin and giggle politely all while thinking "No friggin way..".

Picture this at a crowded Thanksgiving dinner table.

When we finally made our choice, hubs and I argued on spelling and middle names to match. We took our last name into account and even possible initial combinations to avoid things like T.O.Y. or E.Claire. We thought about this dammit!

Now, I'm all for being original and individualistic, but I can tell you from personal experience it can take DECADES for a kid to love his/her name. However there are some names, suffice it to say, that just don't ever deserve loving. Here are just a few of the atrocities I have seen lately and what I think of when I see them: Flossie (Cow), Mamie (Old housekeeper), Zeus (Juicehead), Zeno (Serial Killer), Sage Moonblood (Gamer parents) , Fifi Trixibelle (Dog), Audio Science (Alien), Rocket Rodriguez (el Camino aficionado) and Coco (Chimpanzee).

And to the parents who name your children after their World of Warcraft characters... from now on, you are only allowed to name inanimate objects until you can prove you don't completely suck at life.

Not all baby products are created equal..

My newest four letter word happens to have five letters in it. C-O-L-I-C. I hate it. More than that jerk who shoved me on the escalator in NYC when I was pregnant or even the Doritos Truck driver I nearly vaulted 2,16 oz cups of steaming hot coffee onto for illegally cutting me off when Evie was in the car with me. I'm still kinda miffed over that. Mostly that I was on my way to an important event and didn't feel like waiting for the cops to explain my actions... but I digress.

Colic. It conjurs up horror-movie images of the nights to come, pacing the floor for hours, bleary-eyed caffiene-fueled mornings. Walking around like you're hungover without a drop to drink... fun stuff.

However, thanks to my obsessive need to find a solution to any problem, we may have found the answer to my husband getting more of the 10 hours of sleep he seems to require. I found an all-natural anti-colic homeopathic elixir. I think I would have found it a hell of alot sooner if I actually understood what colic medicine DOES. None of the so-called cures or remedies actually tell you -how- they work. Has anyone else noticed this? Even the directions on these things are pretty vague. "For use in the relief of abdominal cramping, bloating and gas". Um.. yeah ok, but Midol does the same thing and its a helluva lot cheaper. So before I spend $13 on a box of 20 doses of Dr Parnatheuses Magic Cure All Elixir and Hair Tonic, I kinda need to know..How does it work?

Can I find out on the websites of the products?..hmm.. nope. Plenty of fake testimonials and "pediatrician" recommendations though. Can I find out from the boxes of the products?...hmm.. nope. Just phrases like: "It really really works!" Can I find out on parent blogs?..hhmmm.. nope. More fake testimonials and varying opinions, with the occasional LMAO thrown in there for god knows why reason. How wonderfully unhelpful. 

Family friend and recent parent of a second little one to the rescue!! Turns out colic "medicines" simply break surface tension among smaller bubbles creating one super bubble that turn your baby from screaming mess into Charlie from the chocolate factory after consuming Fizzy-Lifting Drink (R). It's quite impressive.
-BRAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP-

We'll see how things progress because one thing is certain, my gassy baby ain't getting no less gassy son.

Truely Thankful

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. The traditional time of the year to sit back and reflect on what you are thankful for in your life. Since I often reflect on the semi-charmed life that I seem to lead and give thanks for it, it took me a bit to find other things to be thankful for. It was about mid-dinner yesterday that I discovered multiple ancillary blessings I've received over my lifetime.

For instance, my ability to suck down a full plate of food in about 3 minutes. Thank you Catholic school meal system. All those days where I got less than 10 minutes to eat my lunch, after taking 20 minutes to obtain it, really paid off when my child started screaming for her own meal yesterday.

My ability to ascend a flight of stairs in less than 5 seconds. Thank you, 12 years of dance education, for making me limber enough to bolt up a crooked 18c. flight of stairs as if it were only one step (and not break my neck or fall on my fat rear-end).

My ability to operate in a somewhat semi-intelligent fashion on less than 5 hours of sleep and an overall 28 hr sleep deficit. Thank you, late-night college cram sessions, for prepping me on how to be a functioning zombie and for teaching me the miraculous value of espresso.

On a more serious note, I am extremely grateful for my healthy family, my healthy baby and my dear husband.

Happy post-Thanksgiving everyone!

Sleep when the baby sleeps...

I hear this phrase now almost as much as I heard "Wow, you don't even look pregnant!" even when I was 7 mo. along. Which of course was a big fat lie. Not a fib, but a blatant falsehood meant to make me feel "good" when I felt like a balloon. Placating hurts people.

My issue with sleep when the baby sleeps is that my daughter can pass out anywhere and anytime she pleases. (She doesn't but that's another post entirely) And in Never, Neverland, so could I. But then the dishes, the never ending laundry, the governmental paperwork to make my offspring "official", and my new reality of living as a newborn and not an adult would suffer entirely. We are not fortunate enough to have a maid nor a cook, and so "sleep when the baby sleeps" serves only to bug the crap out of me when I know it's well meaning.

"What good advice! And in spouting this nonsense to me you are, of course, simultaneously offering to come over and take care of all my chores while I sleep.... right?"

I imagine the reaction.."What did you just say?"

I laugh and shake my head, internally choking down the need to bitch slap the person. "I'm just teasing. I know I should."

Its even worse when the baby books that are meant to give me straight-forward, practical tips say it. They tell me to be a "Diva" and only worry about my personal hygiene and the baby's needs. Well, maybe I'm high-maintenance but I NEED more than a shower and a clean bottom. I also need congenial company occasionally and that means a clean living room and clean clothes and a clean kitchen. Divas don't typically do dishes and vacuum so until I see Mariah Carey's wide rear-end picking up a Swiffer, I think I'm gonna have to put the "Diva" title on stand-by.

Is my sleep deficiency showing yet?